I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?