It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
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Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”