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[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”