Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.