The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Dance like you’re not the father
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.