Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
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might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
True
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children