“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
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There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Only a mother’s love …
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Real House Wines.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget