I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Wake me when AI does housework
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Meth is short for Elizameth.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
tinder is all about the long game
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
A ghost story
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus