One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.