Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
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My good tweets are in my other pants.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
no
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.