The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?