Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
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You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.