The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.