[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.