The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay