There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide