My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
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i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My typo game is string.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE