heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
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[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?