“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
You Might Also Like
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Geez man, take it easy.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏