What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
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*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”