Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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Hot Hot Hot
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material