Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
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*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.