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A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I am patiently waiting for your email
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)