Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich