There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
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I love you to the refrigerator and back
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid