My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
another case of gang violins
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday