I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
i dont have time for this
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?