It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.