I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
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A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
an octopus is just a wet spider
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.