Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
You Might Also Like
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
wishing you and yours all the best
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The struggle is real.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.