Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
You Might Also Like
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Choose your fighter
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Encore…
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!