If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
You Might Also Like
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
jesus, what did this guy do
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.