What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl