me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.