8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Bringing home a sharpie
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.