Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed