Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?