Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.