Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
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*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.