I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout