I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
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I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL