Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
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[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Can’t. About to go please some beans
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam