Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
You Might Also Like
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery