Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
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Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?