Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
sliding into dms like
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless