*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
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(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*