Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
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[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!