I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.