sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’M CRYINGGG
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.