Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Perfect
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts